The Key to Survival NOT!
by Skyskater
Summary: The Naruto cast deals with emergencies in MUCH different ways that normal human beings. Has a 20 question theme sorta thing. Rated T just cuz I'm scared the lil kiddies will get the wrong idea about how to handle emergencies.
1. Deidara

**This spawned from my waiting at the airport. My dad and I were waiting at the airport for my plane to come so that I could get on it and he just so happened to be reading a Survival Handbook. WhHy? I don't know. But I looked at it, and I was thinking about how to finish my Akatsuki story. No ideas there, sorry. But still, I had this idea to write a '20 themes thing' like The Twenty Things About Ichimaru Gin or whatever...about Akatsuki survival methods. I've interviewed Deidara and he has so kindly agreed to give me some help on this topic. **

**HOPE YOU LIKE!!! BTW, if you don't know standard safety procedures, you won't get this story at all.**

**bold is Deidara, regular is me.**

* * *

1. So...what do you do when there's a fire and you're trapped in the burning building?  
**That's obvious, yeah! You just go to the nearest window and you jump out, unn!**

2. Which would you do in a fire, take the elevator or the stairs?  
**The elevator, unn! It gets you there faster! (1)**

3. Let's say you're outside, and then a lightning storm strikes. What do you do?  
**You go and stand under a tree, unn. I can't believe you don't know that yet!**

4. Suppose it started to rain. It continues raining for several days. It starts to flood. What do you do?  
**Unn...well, since I'm very loyal to Sasori-danna, I'd grab him and jump on Zetsu's shoulders because he's the tallest and can get me to safer ground, unn!**

5. What if you were in Louisiana and then Hurricane Katrina hit again...but under a different name?  
**Well, first off, I wouldn't BE in Louisiana in the first place, unn. I don't even know WHERE THE HECK IT IS! But if a hurricane hit, I suppose I would use the step-outside-and-wait-for-a-cow-to-come-by-so-you-can-ride-on-its-back-to-safety technique, yeah!**

6. If a drought occurred in Japan and the only thing left to drink was polluted water, what would you do?  
**I'd cut open Zetsu, unn! He's like the softer, human version of a cactus!**

7. What would you do if a blizzard suddenly started up and you were caught outside?  
**Isn't that obvious, unn? You'd light a fire to keep warm! (2)**

8. If there was a famine in Japan and you had a change of conscience so that you stopped stealing from others, how would you get food?  
**I would kill Kisame in his sleep, cut him into little pieces, stick the pieces onto sharp sticks, and there you have shark kabobs, unn!**

9. What would you do in an earthquake situation?  
**Unn...you're stupid for an Asian. (no racism intended) You should go and stand in a sliding door!**

10. Let's say you're outside wearing your cloak and everything, and then a heat wave begins. What do you do?  
**I'd go and stuff myself in the freezer, unn.**

11. If you were at the cashier in a store in the mall, and a man in black comes in and points a gun at you, what do you do?  
**I scream and hide behind the counter...and then I realize my credit card's maxed out and I go ban kai on that bi/ch! (haha I know bankai is from Bleach...)**

12. What if you woke up one morning and realized that somebody had robbed your house? What would be your first reaction?  
**I would do something emo and...hide behind my hair...(3)**

13. What would be your second reaction? (read above question)  
**I'd shoot myself...the robbers would have taken my origami birds and I just couldn't LIVE without my origami birds! starts to cry**

14. In the event of a tsunami, what would you do to save yourself?  
**I would grab my surfboard and hit those killer waves, unn! (4)**

15. What if your car got stuck in the mud during a flood? What would you do?  
**I would walk the rest of the way home. Somebody can take that car, I don't care. It was a worthless piece of junk anyway...it used to belong to Leader, unn. kicks car**

16. You are going to a masquerade ball tonight. What do you wear?  
**I'd make a giant bird and wear it! Then I'd eat people and I could be like Zetsu, unn!**

17. If a highly dangerous killer broke out of jail, what would be your first course of action?  
**Are you talking about me, yeah?!**

18. If you are in a torture situation with ANBU from another country and you are a wanted criminal, what do you do to avoid torture?  
**Do the whole cute act and then when they get near, spit and claw at their faces, unn!**

19. What is your first immediate course of action when you realize that you have been poisoned?  
**I'd scream my head off until somebody came along and noticed me, unn. It's the number one way to get attention you deserve, yeah!**

20. When you have a broken bone, how do you handle it?  
**I don't handle it. I ask somebody else to handle the situation for me, unn. I mean, life is taxing enough without me having to worry about that sort of trivial thing, unn!**

* * *

That's all for today. I know it's random, but you gotta love it! 

**1. Beside every elevator I have seen, there is a sign that says 'Do not use elevator in event of fire. Use stairs.'**

**2. But how would Deidara light a fire if it was snowing? He doesn't have fire powers does he?**

**3. Inspired by Izuru from Bleach...he's like Deidara except not quite so outgoing. Ahh you gotta love Kira...I LOVE YOU KIRA!**

**4. I actually went and did some research on tsunamis and the waves that come from tsunamis are 'NOT SURFABLE.'**

**have a great day you guys and DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW MY STORIES!!! 3 muah you guys are the greatest! **


	2. Sasuke

**For all those who actually BOTHER TO READ MY MEMOS, I congratulate you. Now. On another note, can you guys do me a huge favor and read my latest Akatsuki crack fic, The Chuunin Exams: Akatsuki Style?**

**You guys beg for Akatsuki crack from me and then you go all hypocritical-ish and never read that.**

**And yes, I am a greedy little review pig, in case you hadn't noticed.**

**Now, since everyone's been bugging me to continue this story, I shall. Even though it is against my better judgment.**

**Got any suggestions for me to put in? Like, different questions? Because I will put them in if you give them to me.**

* * *

1. So...what do you do if there's a fire and you're trapped in a burning building?  
**I BLOW FIRE, LADY! Good God, don't you watch my fing show?  
**Technically, it's not actually your show, it's Naruto's...  
**That has absolutely nothing to do with it. MOVE ON!**

2. Which would you do in a fire, take the elevator or the stairs?  
**Alright, you're just being stupid now. Read the ABOVE ANSWER.**

3. Let's say you're outside, and then a lightning storm strikes. What do you do?  
**I hold up my headband so that I can get one of those really cool slash thingies through the metal. I need to keep up with fashion so that I can be prettier than Itachi.**

4. Suppose it started to rain. It continues raining for several days. It starts to flood. What do you do?  
**Tie Neji and Lee together so it's like a raft, and then use Shikamaru as an oar. You have to make do with what resources you have, right?**

5. What if you were in Louisiana and then Hurricane Katrina hit again...but under a different name?  
**Where in the HELL is Louisiana? I don't think I'm going to be having chicken and waffles anytime soon...But, anyway, that's an excellent question...Hmm...I'm really glad you asked that, you know...But ANYWAY, can we just leave this, and move on now?**

6. If a drought occurred in Japan and the only thing left to drink was polluted water, what would you do?  
**I would run away to China. What else should I do? Korea doesn't let immigrants in as easily.**

7. What would you do if a blizzard suddenly started up and you were caught outside?  
**I would scream, and hope somebody hears me. Sound travels insanely fast when it's snowing. (1)**

8. If there was a famine in Japan and you had a change of conscience so that you stopped stealing from others, how would you get food?  
**First, let's get something straight here. I HAVE NEVER STOLEN. Well, okay, that's only true if you don't count the time when I stole a bunch of tomatoes from the market. But they were TOMATOES, people! Good God!  
**Just answer the goddamn question.  
**Well, if there was a famine, that would give me the opportunity to pursue my true calling as a pig farmer. Of course, I would need to work making pork patties first in order to get a better "connection" with my chosen pigs...And also, making pork patties pays really well, and pigs aren't exactly cheap, ya know!**

9. What would you do in an earthquake situation?  
**I would most certainly NOT go and hide under my table. Do you know how unstable that thing is? Well, actually, if that were ever to happen in the near future, I would curl up into the fetal position and find a happy place...**

10. Let's say you're outside wearing your leg warmers and everything, and then a heat wave begins. What do you do?  
**I TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF. IS THAT SUCH A HARD CONCEPT FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND?**

11. If you were at the cashier in a store at the mall, and a man in black comes and points a gun at you, what do you do?  
**First, I tie him up using chakra strings (2), then I slash him open, pull out his organs, proceed to throw the organs at random people, and then poke out his eyes and feed them to the pigeons...It's self defense, okay?**

12. What if you woke up one morning and realized that somebody had robbed your house?  
**I would go all emo like Deidara did in the last chapter and slit my wrists, then hide the scars behind my arm warmers...**

13. What would be your second reaction?  
**To scream and hope that the robbers did not take the Double Stuf Oreos I bought the night before...**

14. In the event of a tsunami, what would you do to save yourself?  
**That's a great question, ummm...can I borrow your phone?  
**What the hell for?  
**I need to call a friend to see what I could do in this situation...or maybe you could let me have a 50/50? Or possibly let me poll the readers? (3)**

15. What if your car got stuck in the mud during a flood? What would you do?  
**Come on. I CAN'T DRIVE. And even if I could, why would I be driving during a flood? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard...**

16. You are going to a masquerade ball tonight. What do you wear?  
**I would disguise myself as a transvestite, that way neither gender is going to follow me around...O.O**

17. If a highly dangerous killer broke out of jail, what would be your first course of action?  
**I'd go and avenge my parents, because I just KNOW it'll be Itachi! Actually, screw that. Itachi couldn't break his way out of a cardboard box. But I'd still go and kill the person, just for the heck of it, ya know? I get a thrilling rush of adrenaline when I kill people...**

18. If you are in a torture situation with ANBU from another country and you are a wanted criminal, what do you do to avoid torture?  
**Put on my cute little boy act. The ANBU never torture cute little boys. And then when they have their backs turned, I'll kill them all...(muahahahaha)**

19. What is your first immediate course of action when you realize that you have been poisoned?  
**Well, if it was a poison I ate, I would go get my stomach pumped. If I cut myself with a poisoned blade, which, by the way, I would never do, I would scream in panic and then chop off that limb.**

20. When you have a broken bone, how do you handle it?  
**I sit down at the side of the street and cry until someone comes to fix it for me. It works every time! **

* * *

**1. Actually, I think you can't hear as well when it's snowing...Okay, well, at least I can't.**

**2. Sasuke could maybe Sharingan the chakra string techniques from Kankuro or something...I don't see why it's not possible...**

**3. From Do You Want to be a Millionnaire?**

**You know, people, I really like Oreos. And I also like reviews. So if reviews are like Oreos, then you should definitely click that little button down below and leave me a review so I can enjoy reading it with my OREOS!**

**Also, NO FLAMES! IF YOU FLAME, I WILL POKE YOUR EYES OUT WITH MY GIANT SPORK OF DOOM!**

**Okay! Bye now!**


	3. Kakashi

**So, um, yeah. I really appreciate you guys reading this and all. Seriously I do.**

**And I'm glad no one's flaming. But I want you to read some of my other stories as well, kay?**

* * *

1. So...what do you do if there's a fire and you're trapped in a burning building?  
**I grab one of the rejects from the Ninja Academy and beat the fire with them...if they're not good enough to be ninja, they are certainly good enough to be sand bags. This is my philosophy.  
**Of course, please note that this is from the man who failed everybody BUT Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura...

2. Which would you do in a fire, take the elevator or the stairs?  
**Well, I wouldn't want to take the stairs, being as they're WOODEN and would burn faster, but the prospect of being baked into little Kashi-cakes in a metal elevator to be shipped off to America for all those people who want to live a "healthy" lifestyle isn't great either...Let me get back to you on this one. (1)**

3. Let's say you're outside, and then a lightning storm strikes. What do you do?  
**I would bring out my mannequin that I stole...wait, I meant borrowed, yes borrowed...from WalMart, hold her up, and hope that lightning strikes her and she can be a female, prettier version of Frankenstein!**

4. Suppose it started to rain. It continues raining for several days. It starts to flood. What do you do?  
**You do know I can walk on water, don't you? Good God, do you even watch the show?!**

5. What if you were in Louisiana and then Hurricane Katrina hit again...but under a different name?  
**That's a great question! Hmmm...couldn't I potentially use Flash Steps to run away to Kansas where it's all flat and everything and the hurricane probably won't go there?  
**You can't use Flash Steps, this isn't Bleach.  
**Oh shut up. I can do what I want. I'm a made up character owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and I am going to go ask him to give me the ability to do Flash Steps! THERE! Whatcha gonna do now, huh?**

6. If a drought occurred in Japan and the only thing left to drink was polluted water, what would you do?  
**Okay, listen. I would do the only logical thing there would be to do, I would get on the next airplane to another country. Preferably France. I hear the ladies there are very entertaining...**

7. What would you do if a blizzard suddenly started up and you were caught outside?  
**I would take off all my clothes and frolic around in the snow like a playful little snow hare! **

8. If there was a famine in Japan and you had a change of conscience so that you stopped stealing from others, how would you get food?  
**Jesus Christ - I mean, Jumping Buddhas - why does all this have to be set in Japan? This is my summer house, which, I'll have you know, is NOT part of Japan!  
**You do realize that your "summer house" in a ROCK in the middle of the SEA? (2)  
**Shut up. It was selling for a good price, and real estate has been spiking up the charts lately! It's the best little summer house you could ask for! Of course, I have tsunami insurance, because, you know, this thing is gonna be the first to go in a tsunami...**

9. What would you do in an earthquake situation?  
**An earthquake? Well, I would probably go and hide out in the local bookstore. Why? Well, because if it just so happens that the owners of the bookstore die a tragic death in the earthquake, I could potentially make away with some more issues of Icha Icha Paradise...but there's no need to let them know that, kay?**

10. Let's say you're outside wearing your Jounin suit and everything, and then a heat wave begins. What do you do?  
**Well, I...I...I DON'T KNOW, OKAY?! I'D KILL MYSELF! I'm not very good at handling confrontations of the natural-disaster sort.**

11. If you were at the cashier in a store at the mall, and a man in black comes and points a gun at you, what do you do?  
**I'd greet him! We're long lost friends, haven't I told you I was one of the terrorists who bombed the Twin Towers? Oh shoot...I think I've said too much...please, forget I ever told you that.**

12. What if you woke up one morning and realized that somebody had robbed your house?  
**I would summon the spirit of the Grudge, get her to eat my mouth off like she did to Yoko (that poor girl), hide the hole under my mask for a few days, and then go and get a job as an envelope licker! (3)**

13. What would be your second reaction?  
**Er...hoping to get paid for being an envelope licker?**

14. In the event of a tsunami, what would you do to save yourself?  
**Well, I wouldn't save myself because I'd be mourning the loss of my summer house...have I told you that thing would be the first to go in the event of a tsunami but I bought it because real estate here on summer homes is booming and -  
**Thank you, THANK YOU! SHUT UP NOW!

15. What if your car got stuck in the mud during a flood? What would you do?  
**I have a car? Sweet!**

16. You are going to a masquerade ball tonight. What do you wear?  
**I would be a stripper. What else should I be? I mean, I already have a stripper outfit...**

17. If a highly dangerous killer broke out of jail, what would be your first course of action?  
**I would go and run into the cell that the killer broke out of. He would never go back there to hunt for someone. A lot of people want to kill me, you know.**

18. If you are in a torture situation with ANBU from another country and you are a wanted criminal, what do you do to avoid torture?  
**I would do ANYTHING but invite them into my home after they are done torturing me for tea and crumpets.**

19. What is your first immediate course of action when you realize that you have been poisoned?  
**Take it calmly in front of my squad, because I can't afford to panic them, because God knows then I won't get ANY help whatsoever...So I walk away calmly, and then I PANIC. And don't give me all that shit about getting my stomach pumped. I don't like tubes...**

20. When you have a broken bone, how do you handle it?  
**I go over to Sasori's place and ask him to fix me a new limb. Of course, I don't actually know what he does with my real body parts after I hand them over so he can replace them, but...you know. That's just him.**

* * *

**1. I know the company Kashi makes bars, but they should start making cakes. Kashi cakes just sounds a lot better than Kashi bars.**

**2. There are actually rocks in the middle of the sea (I don't know if there are rocks in the middle of the sea surrounding Japan but I am pretty sure there are) that are just barely big enough to build a house on.**

**3. Scary Movie 4, I believe. **

**Gimme more Oreos! I wants more Oreos! (if you don't get this, are you reading these chapters in order??)**

**NO FLAMES! OR I SHALL HUNT YOU DOWN AND STUFF YOU IN A CARDBOARD BOX!**

**Bye bye!! (tee hee)**


	4. Naruto

**Review this story!! Please?**

**Okay, for all those who are reading this right now, good on ya! For the rest of those who do not read my hard-worked memos, then...screw you. **

**But you won't care, because you DON'T READ MY MEMOS!**

* * *

1. So...what do you do if there's a fire and you're trapped in a burning building?  
**Well, you know, my clothes are fire-resistant. They're orange, like firefighters', so they must make me fire-resistant!  
**For all those who do not know, firefighters wear YELLOW...

2. Which would you do in a fire, take the elevator or the stairs?  
**Hello, it's called WINDOWS! I'd totally jump out of the window! Believe it!  
**What if you were on the 26th floor of a building in Chicago at 7:12 PM? What then?  
**...Where's Chicago? (1)**

3. Let's say you're outside, and then a lightning storm strikes. What do you do?  
**I'd go parasailing! It must be really nice to just be pulled on your surfboard with a kite and go la di da along the waves...you wouldn't have to do any work!**

4. Suppose it started to rain. It continues raining for several days. It starts to flood. What do you do?  
**Hey, what the heck? Why would it rain? Isn't there supposed to be global warming going on or whatever the hell those people in America are doing to pollute our world? SAVE THE TREES!**

5. What if you were in Louisiana and then Hurricane Katrina hit again...but under a different name?  
**Do you even watch the news? There IS another hurricane that's not called Hurricane Katrina that's going to hit Louisiana, wherever the heck that is! It's called, like, some Mexican name or something!  
**Uhh...isn't Gustav an Italian name? They should name a hurricane after me...Hurricane Amanda! Tee hee...

6. If a drought occurred in Japan and the only thing left to drink was polluted water, what would you do?  
**I would lie down on the ground, open my mouth very wide, and wait for it to rain.  
**But it would be acid rain, wouldn't it? And then it would burn away your windpipes and voice box and everything else...  
**My God, why do you have to make these questions so complicated? Because I sure as heck am not going to go to France to watch the strippers there like my stupid excuse for a teacher! And aren't the ladies in France the ones who don't shave their armpits...?**

7. What would you do if a blizzard suddenly started up and you were caught outside?  
**I'd Disapparate over to sunny California!  
**You can't Disapparate, you're not freaking Harry Potter!  
**So what? You put me in a story with Harry Potter, I think that entitles me to getting the right to Disapparate! So there! (read Mission Potter if you don't get this)**

8. If there was a famine in Japan and you had a change of conscience so that you stopped stealing from others, how would you get food?  
**I do not have a conscience. And if I did, it would not change. So I would still steal food. Murphy's Law. (2)**

9. What would you do in an earthquake situation?  
**I'd run away to sunny California!  
**What's up with you and sunny California? And you can't exactly run that fast...  
**Hello, I would think it's pretty obvious. In California, gay marriage is now legal so I can finally convince Sasuke to get married to me! **

10. Let's say you're outside wearing your jumpsuit and everything, and then a heat wave begins. What do you do?  
**I'd eat myself. I mean, what else can you do?**

11. If you were at the cashier in a store at the mall, and a man in black comes and points a gun at you, what do you do?  
**I stand buy and let Kakashi-sensei sweet talk the guy. I guess in the last chapter they suddenly became friends.**

12. What if you woke up one morning and realized that somebody robbed your house?  
**I didn't know I had a house...and even if I did, what would they steal? The sour milk that I've kept in the fridge for over a year?**

13. What would be your second reaction?  
**Umm...calling StateFarm to get some insurance on my house which does not actually exist? (3)**

14. In the event of a tsunami, what would you do to save yourself?  
**You know, I'd get on one of those ships like in The Day After Tomorrow and break into the kitchen so that I could have food AND medicine, and I sure would not go about cutting my legs on taxis. (4)**

15. What if your car got stuck in the mud during a flood? What would you do?  
**Hello, I don't even have a car yet. I can't even DRIVE. Now, assuming that you'd asked, "What would you do if your water buffalo got stuck in the mud?" I would probably answer, "I would leave it there to die. It was getting old anyway. It's the Circle of Life. Haven't you ever seen the Lion King?"**

16. You are going to a masquerade ball tonight. What do you wear?  
**I dress up as a girl. I've always wanted to know if it hurts to wear a thong...  
**O.O

17. If a highly dangerous killer broke out of jail, what would be your first course of action?  
**Assuming this killer knew me, then I would go and swim across the San Francisco Bay to Alcatraz. That place is like, the most protected place on the coast of sunny California!  
**Oh, for Gods' sake, California isn't always sunny! It rains here too, ya know!

18. If you are in a torture situation with ANBU from another country and you are a wanted criminal, what do you do to avoid torture?  
**Claim that I was one of them in the past life. Those ANBUs, oh my Lord, they're so gullible, they'll believe anything you say. Heck, you could tell them the moon was made of cheese and they'd believe you!**

19. What is your first immediate course of action when you realize that you have been poisoned?  
**I'd go to sunny California and get them to make a movie of me so that people could remember me when I have passed away...  
**You do realize that they make movies in Japan, too, right?  
**Well, yeah, but it's not the same as sunny California! I've always wanted to go to Hollywood! Believe it!**

20. When you have a broken bone, how do you handle it?  
**I amputate it myself. Then I can go and get a lease with Hollywood in sunny California so that -  
**OKAY! WE GET IT! So that you can be a goddamn actor!  
**No, I'm gonna be an ACTRESS! Do you not know your English or something?**

****

1. From that Comcast Game show commercial

2. Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will. I don't know what that has to do with anything, but it sounds all scientific and Naruto isn't...scientific...

3. Doesn't StateFarm only do car insurance? Or is that just me?

4. The Day After Tomorrow - Amazing movie. Stupid actress, though.


End file.
